We can learn from each other
Hearing from other people who are building happier futures after experiencing toxic, abusive relationships can comfort and inspire you. Know that you are not alone and that you too can change your life for the better.
My second husband didn’t seem to mind any of the changes to my body after pregnancy that I was so self-conscious of. He listened supportively to my insecurities at first, but later on, he began to weaponize them - emphasizing everything I had come to hate about myself. He always made it clear that I should be ‘grateful’ to him for staying with me because I was so ‘unattractive’. By the time I left him, I truly believed I was damaged and had the most unattractive body on the planet. I spent years after this marriage getting my life back together, but the gift of self-love and belief in myself is the most precious gift I have ever been given. I don’t know what future relationships I may have, but I will enter them knowing that I am beautiful and valuable - which means that I am less likely to be destroyed by a narcissist again.
I’m not sure I ever did anything just for my own enjoyment, but I really lost my sense of self through toxic relationships. My partners have mocked my taste in music and how I dance and laughed at the movies and books I enjoyed. After years of constantly directing efforts toward winning the validation, affirmation, and acceptance of partners who didn’t care about me I felt bewildered and lost trying to figure out who I actually am. Step by step I have reclaimed my passions and sensuality. I have learned that I shouldn’t do things for recognition or to please someone else -especially someone who can never be pleased (like a narcissist). I need to do things because they make me happy.
The abuse and neglect I was subjected to by my mother made me grow up angry, cynical and blind to my own talents. To the external observer I grew up to have a successful career and a flourishing nightlife, but I was unsatisfied in my corporate job and my self-destructive partying was starting to hurt me just as much as the pain it was meant to drown out. I wasn’t able to change my life overnight, but recognising, leaning into and building on my unique gifts has led me to leave behind a life that neither suited nor served me. A mother is such a key figure in one’s life that it is difficult to say if I will ever fully heal, but I have found levels of joy and satisfaction I never dreamed possible.
My marriage consisted of compromise – all on my side! At first, I was so love-bombed by my husband that I don’t think I even thought to talk about what I loved or what made me feel happy. But sadly, as it is with narcissists, things are not always as perfect as they may be imagined. Over time, my desire to do the things which fed me were never accommodated. Then the inevitable happened, and we went our separate ways–not very amicably, as one would expect from this type of person. I had gone for therapy and walked away from that feeling fine, but being truly re-invigorated only came when a friend reached out for help with a project and I found a happiness I had not known possible. I went on to create a small business that I am proud of and reconnected with a part of myself that had been side-lined and shamed in my relationship.
