5 Key Strategies: rebuild your life and thrive after toxic relationships and narcissistic abuse
- Dee-Anne Hardy
- Jun 27, 2023
- 10 min read
Updated: Jul 21, 2023
Exiting a toxic relationship or abusive situation was no small feat, and the recovery process can be daunting. Two important parts of your initial recovery journey should have centred on recognising and acknowledging your experiences and working through some counselling with a qualified mental health professional. This initial recovery work is critical to your healing and, if you have not yet engaged with these steps in your journey, I would encourage you to do this now. There are some excellent resources [1] available to jumpstart this, if that is where you currently find yourself.
But, for many of you who have been through these initial steps, your ongoing journey to rebuild your life and thrive after toxicity and narcissistic abuse can still seem like an insurmountable task. Even after you have been through counselling or therapy, you might find that you still aren’t sure how to go about fully living your life and really flourishing.
You are not alone.
Research indicates that support for thriving and flourishing after abuse is currently limited in mental health services and interventions. [2]
But, my own experiences, research, and the experiences shared with me by countless other survivors provides significant insight into how people who have been through experiences similar to yours have managed to reclaim their lives.
Here are some practical strategies to help you start rebuilding your life and thriving, starting today.
1. Turbocharge your self-worth
Being in a relationship with a narcissist can shatter your confidence and rob you of your sense of self-worth. [3] It is impossible to remain radiant when the person you are sharing your life with makes you feel bad about yourself. You may have changed your looks and style based on negative input and manipulation.
You might not be able to change the way you think and feel about yourself overnight, but there are conscious actions you can take to start actively boosting your self-esteem and ignite your inner glow again.
Make dedicated time every day to celebrate all the forms of beauty around you. You can find this beauty manifesting in nature, in art, in architecture, and even in other people around you. Recognising and celebrating what you see as beautiful can help you shift your perspective by taking your attention away from all the negatives you might otherwise be focussing on. It can also help you to redefine beauty on your terms and ultimately allow you to recognise the glorious, interesting, unique and radiant parts of yourself.
It is not selfish to practise self-care. Self-care is the way you can establish emotional and physical well-being.[4, 5] You need to establish self-care routines, to make healthy choices for yourself, and to consciously improve your relationship with yourself so that you can start to thrive after toxic relationship or narcissistic abuse.
Take action to rebuild and thrive:
Start a beauty board: collect images and objects that delight and fascinate you. You can create a physical board, or even a painting or drawing that you can display somewhere you are able to see daily, or you can create a digital version or even a digital scrap book. Do whatever works for you!
Do one thing every day that reflects a self-care mantra, such as ‘I am worthy of being cared for’. These don’t need to be big, extravagant or expensive - it can be as simple as spending 20 minutes enjoying the peace in a garden on a lovely summer evening - without feeling guilty about the chores you are not doing!
2. Rediscover and reinvest in your passions
Criticism of your possessions and hobbies is common in toxic relationships. A toxic or narcissistic partner in your life may have ridiculed the things you wanted to do, sabotaged your efforts to engage in activities that brought you joy and took you into shared communities, and over time you may have found yourself slowly letting go of the things that bring you delight. Take time to rediscover what you enjoy doing, what you are passionate about, and invest your time and energy back into these things.
One of the best things you can do for yourself is to start doing the things you love to do, simply because you love doing them! You need to do things purely for enjoyment, regardless of whether you are good at doing them or whether they will earn you recognition, or even admiration. You need to start doing things because they make you happy! Taking up things that give you pleasure is a vital part of reclaiming power over your own life.
It’s quite common to feel deflated and uninspired after leaving a toxic relationship, which can make it difficult to get clarity about what you actually enjoy doing. It can be hard to remember the things that gave you immense pleasure before this relationship. But don’t let this discourage you.
Take action to rebuild and thrive:
Start by creating a list of a few things you will do now for pleasure. Try to write down a few things that you remember enjoying doing before this relationship - you could ask family members, loved ones or friends to help you think. You could even look through any old photos or memory books (if you have them).
You could also look for completely new things! Take a look at local event pages to see activities other people are doing (even if you aren’t ready to join a group activity you can still use what other people enjoy doing as a source of inspiration for things to try). Keep an open mind about the things on your list and go ahead and try things - you might be surprised what sparks a flame in you! And keep adding new activities or interests - you never know what might be a future interest as you change and evolve.
3. Build and maintain your inner space
It is entirely normal to experience a range of negative and disruptive emotions even long after you've exited a toxic relationship and broken contact with the narcissist you had in your life. It will become much easier to manage these emotions and protect yourself once you've built and are caring for your inner space.
When we create inner space for ourselves, we clear our minds so that there is room to breathe and room to take in new experiences and emotions.
During the most chaotic moments in life, we can find relief by withdrawing into the calmness and serenity present in our inner space. Knowing there is a place where you can find the peace you need brings comfort to many. Yet, before you can go there, you must find out what that is, and transform it into the haven you would like to visit during these moments. This can mean different things to different people, depending on their personality, preferences and personal circumstances.
Engaging in activities like meditation, gardening, exercising, painting, and journaling offers a unique opportunity to fully absorb yourself in the present moment, freeing your mind from any distractions or worries beyond the task at hand.
These immersive pursuits create a sanctuary where your mind can find peace, unchained from the burdens of external concerns. By dedicating time to these activities, you grant yourself the gift of undivided attention, fostering a sense of tranquillity and enabling a deeper connection with yourself.
Take action to rebuild and thrive:
Be realistic and honest with yourself. If you're the type of person who can't sit still for more than five minutes, jumping into meditation might not be your cup of tea. Trust me, there's no need to get frustrated and set yourself up for disappointment.
Instead, feel free to explore a range of activities and find the one that truly captivates you. Don't beat yourself up if something doesn't click right away. It's all about finding that sweet spot where you can completely lose yourself and emerge feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.
Remember, everyone is different, and what works for others may not work for you. So, give yourself the permission to experiment and discover what truly resonates with your soul. Whether it's going for a run, getting lost in a captivating novel, or even singing in the shower, embrace the activity that allows you to experience that immersive state and leaves you with a sense of revival afterwards. Your inner sanctuary awaits, and it's all about finding what fits you best.
4. Practise self-forgiveness
You may have developed many false beliefs about yourself from being in a toxic relationship. Some of these beliefs can make you feel like YOU are bad, that there is something wrong with you, or that you don’t deserve love or success. You might also blame yourself or feel like, at least in some ways, what happened to you was your fault.
Self-forgiveness will improve your mental and emotional well-being. It will lead to more positive attitudes and improved relationships. [6, 7] Practising self-forgiveness means that you need to let go of harmful beliefs and recognise that they have nothing to do with who you are as a person. It also allows you to accept what has happened and move on without ruminating on past events that can’t be changed. Let go of anger, guilt and shame so that you can move forward, rebuild and thrive after narcissistic abuse and toxicity.
Self-forgiveness is an important strategy to help you rebuild your life and thrive because the beliefs we have and how we treat ourselves have a massive impact on our well-being. [8]
When we practise self-forgiveness we change our beliefs and are kind to ourselves which has been shown to have a significant impact on our well-being [6, 7]:
it reduces anxiety and depression
it improves your overall life satisfaction
it helps you to deal with stressful events in the future
it improves your self-esteem
Directing healing toward yourself is the way to increase your entitlement to the selfhood that was taken from you in a toxic relationship or through narcissistic abuse. But you can respond to yourself with the care and healing you are entitled to.
Give yourself permission to change the narrative and learn to treat yourself differently by embracing self-forgiveness.
Take action to rebuild and thrive:
Take a moment to reflect and ask yourself: how can I take one small step towards forgiving myself today? It’s all about recognising that forgiving yourself is a journey that starts with small steps. Maybe it is about acknowledging what you could have done differently and accepting that you did your best. Or perhaps it’s choosing to let go of past regret and stepping into self-forgiveness.
Remind yourself: practising self-forgiveness is a step I need to take to improve my life and part of the love I deserve to show myself. It might not be simple or easy. It is a process that requires patience and understanding. But by acknowledging your worth, showing yourself some compassion, and taking small steps towards forgiving yourself, you can gradually cultivate a healthier and more loving relationship with yourself. You deserve it!
5. Recognise that you are on a journey
It is extremely important to recognise that recovery is a journey. Rebuilding and thriving after narcissistic abuse is a journey. The only way to move forward on any journey is to take one step at a time. Reflect. And then take another step. Over time, it may be possible to look back and see how far you have come despite setbacks and obstacles. When you stop to reflect and take stock of where you are, your achievements are worth celebrating and they will inspire you to take the next step.
Journeys aren’t simply about trudging through one step after another. With the right perspective, they can be exhilarating adventures! They encompass the very essence of life, with it all its ups and downs, which only make the journey all the more meaningful. Just keep in mind that journeys require time, and the path to thriving is more than just a single milestone or a series of ticks on a checklist. It is a lifestyle, a way of life, and it encompasses both obstacles and victories, which shape the journey.
It’s unlikely that reading one article, talking to one professional, adopting one approach or using one technique will be all that you need to rebuild your life and start thriving. Be open and curious on your journey. Keep learning, reading, and finding new things to try and ways to approach life. Feel inspired to grow, change and evolve as you experience all that life has to offer - good and bad.
So, embrace the twists and turns, the challenges and the triumphs, the joys and the tears, as they are all integral parts of this beautiful journey. Allow yourself to be fully present and enjoy the ride! It is in these diverse experiences that you will discover the true essence of growth and fulfilment, and what makes life worthwhile for you. Remember the journey itself is the destination, and every step along the way is precious.
These are just some of the ways through which you can regain control of your life and bring about life-altering changes.
It is possible to rebuild your life and thrive, even after enduring a toxic relationship and narcissistic abuse.
The key to success in your healing process lies in recognising, tending to, and nurturing every aspect of your being. By doing so, you can blossom into the person you deserve to be and radiate your true brilliance!
If you want to read more, why not check out my book? It's packed with useful and practical advice for healing and recovering from narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships with stories from survivors who have reclaimed and rebuilt their lives.
Sources:
[2] Paphitis SA, Bentley A, Asher L, Osrin D, Oram S. Improving the mental health of women intimate partner violence survivors: Findings from a realist review of psychosocial interventions. PLoS One. 2022 Mar 17;17(3):e0264845. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0264845. PMID: 35299229; PMCID: PMC8929660. https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0264845
[3] Green, A., & Charles, K. (2019). Voicing the Victims of Narcissistic Partners: A Qualitative Analysis of Responses to Narcissistic Injury and Self-Esteem Regulation. SAGE Open. https://doi.org/10.1177/2158244019846693
[4] Flasch, P., Fall, K., Stice, B., Easley, R., Murray, C., & Crowe, A. (2020). Messages to new survivors by longer-term survivors of intimate partner violence. Journal of family violence, 35(1), 29-41. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10896-019-00078-8
[5] Webber et al. Self-Care in Health: We can define it, but should we also measure it? SelfCare 2013 4(5): 101-106 https://selfcarejournal.com/article/self-care-in-health-we-can-define-it-but-should-we-also-measure-it/
[6] Dr. Fred Luskin Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness (https://www.harpercollins.com/products/forgive-for-good-frederic-luskin?variant=32122931707938)
[7] Kim, HJ., Seo, J., Bang, M. et al. Self-forgiveness is associated with increased volumes of fusiform gyrus in healthy individuals. Sci Rep 13, 5505 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-023-32731-0 https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-023-32731-0
Disclaimer: I am not a professional counsellor or psychiatrist. The contents of this article are based on my own lived experience, professional experience in academic research, as well as hours of conversation with other people with lived experience and counsellors. While the information in this article is intended to help anyone who is recovering from abusive experiences and toxic relationships with narcissists, it should not be used as a substitute for working with licensed professionals for important psychotherapeutic work that is vital for recovery. Please reach out to a licensed professional to get any psychotherapeutic support you need, and if you are in immediate danger please call your local domestic abuse hotline or domestic violence hotline where you will be able to get access to support.
Comments